Throwback Thursday: What I Learned About Relationships from Judo

Going through our archives, we came across this great post by Dr. AnnMaria De Mars from October 23, 2014 “What I Learned About Relationships from Judo” that we wanted to share in case you missed it the first time around.

Last time, I wrote about what I learned about business from judo and how the 10,000 plus hours I spent on the mat were not wasted.

Tonight, I wanted to get in the subject of what I learned about relationships from judo.

It can be summed up as,

“There sure are a lot of douche bags out there.”


Since that would make a really short post, though, I will elaborate.

1. You can only know someone is your friend when they have nothing to gain from you. Having had a good measure of success as a competitor and then a daughter who had a successful run as well, there were people who were very friendly to me for years on end, so I mistook them for friends. When the time came that I was of no use to them, I never heard from them again. I have taken this lesson into business, and though there are people I have worked with for many years and I appreciate them as clients or colleagues, I do not mistake them for friends.

2. Judge people not only by how they treat you but by how they treat other people. Hayward Nishioka gave me this advice years ago, and he was right. If someone is an ass to their students, their interns or the receptionist, they will be an ass to you as soon as you aren’t in a position to benefit them or aren’t around to keep an eye on them. Find someone else to work with.

3. Hire for character. Everything else is secondary.  Bruce Toups, another judo guy and a successful businessman, gave me this advice. Whether it is a coach or a software developer, if you can’t trust someone with your wallet on the table in your office or to pitch to your most important customer, don’t hire that person. If your teammates are the type that will go tell your weaknesses to other people because they are jealous you’re winning, it doesn’t matter if they are the same weight as you and a good match in practice. Go elsewhere.

4. You don’t have to be best friends to work together. I’ve had teammates and coaches that I wouldn’t want to hang out with, just because we had no common interests outside of judo and very different views on life. If you think women should stay home and raise the children and it’s a man’s job to work, you have every right to your opinion. I’m happy to work out with you and help you train for whatever tournament as long as you do the same for me. Just don’t expect me to show up at your home bible study after practice.

5. Don’t trust people who have sketchy friends.  Jim Pedro, Sr. had a saying, “If you lie down with the dogs you get up with fleas.” I know people who seem like good guys who hang around with some of the most dishonest dirt bags I have ever met. I don’t know why they do it, but I have never trusted those people very much. So far, nothing has ever made me regret that decision.

6. Appreciate your real friends. Over the past few years, I’ve headed out to Kansas City twice to visit Steve and Becky Scott, up to Sioux City to see Karen Mackey. Lanny Clark just sent me a text that he’d be in Las Vegas for Ronda’s next fight. Now that I realize how rare true friends really are, I try to keep in touch with the ones I have. I may not have quantity but I have quality and for that I am truly grateful.

True story: When Ronda was 11 and had just started judo, I was coaching players at the high school nationals. I ran into Jim Pedro, Sr. and I wanted to ask him some advice about coaching, since I had heard his son was doing well and even at 11 I could tell, Ronda had potential. I started out by saying,

“Mr. Pedro, I’m sure you don’t remember me ….”


He interrupted and said,

“Of course I remember you. You’re AnnMaria Burns. You won the world championships. That’s the thing about judo. You meet people and you know them your whole life. I hate half of those a***holes.”


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